that time

that time I painted the sun and burned up all the things and people that ever mattered the most to me. someone once called me a “compassionate impass”, learning what that meant.. 10 years later.. no one knows you like you know you, others only guess in order to move forward.. or to set you free to free themselves I miss so many friends in winter the most. only few will be there at your goodbye, only you will be there at your welcome party. Loyal bright ones shimmer shines on hue and gloom.

Morgan

April 24, 2016  · 

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I can name 6-7 people that made me see Orlando as a real art community when I landed here in the early 90’s..and made me want to stay to see more grow…… through the dark corners, hot warehouses, foamy crappy beer, smokey clubs,risky art shows, no good lighting ,no good sound, new bands flat out playing to no one, or getting lifted off the floor by a crushing crowd rushing the stage to a packed house. … there is a unique one missing, that was always in the corner with his sketchpad or the nearest bar napkin.. Morgan Steel acted like he didn’t give a crap about anything,only to make you work harder , but deep down cared more than anyone in the room cuz he knew we were all creating something new. Bored always with niceness, or pretentiousness, yet one of the smartest most beautiful creators I think I have ever met….or ever will….. this is not fair, and unbelievable. Wake me when 2016 has moved on to others.. we have had enough. Take care of yourselves. no one is alone tonight with this tragedy. no one, that knew the greatness that was Morgan.

fly now

we are in full swing now.! bring on the fat man in red, fill my stocking with coal, ground my sleigh, keep all the wealth you want, all I want is your truth, your passion, your love, your friendship, your unwavering independence of self, and your confidence. Your presence of mind, to keep dreaming your dream of being a better human than you were yesterday. Helping others when you can, and not bringing those around you down, to your unhealthy need for attention and praise. BE a light, in a world that insist on being left in the dark. For in the dark, there is safety in self pity. In the light, there is the truth, the raw, unfiltered, brave, whole, lonely, truth. No time like now, to let all those ties that have held you down, fall off, and you will find out, all the while, your wings were simply pinned down. Just not being used. That’s all. Oh yea, we all have them…. some use them in life. Some never open theirs. good luck in your new discovery, and your new flight! f.messina 11.30.22

I saw your hands today.

i saw your hands once more today, as I squeezed a small amount of dish detergent on to the dish towel, to scrub out the grease and then hang it up on the sink to dry. I see glimpses of you without any warning, and I know you direct these visits to happen. You must get moment passes from heaven’s motherly chores to come visit me, and say hello to a son that misses you every breath of my life. Once I looked to the way a lady was walking down the middle of church to receive communion, and had to look away for it was you walking, in those oh so classy aqua heels of yours. I took a second glance at the flip of a woman’s perfectly styled Italian hair, and thought.. Wow Mama, would do the same thing to her hair in this moment.. I am not sure where these moments of memory go to after they enter my life, but I for sure know where they come from. I miss you Mama everyday till we meet again.. everytime I respond to love from friends, and everytime I say so long to someone so close.. with a large hug, and small peck on the cheek.. when someone tells me, wow, that was nice that you did that nice thing for someone else,. when I wipe the small tear away whenever I hear Ava Maria sang, and think of all the times we listened together so happy. . The chill in the air, the way you loved Christmas, the way I do still., the amazing way you made me feel safe and loved, and a winner, even when I failed so miserably. The many times I made you watch me, juggle, or dance, or badly try to cut my own hair. The times you made me tell my brother I loved him, and I was sorry, when I said something bad to him.. the advice you gave me, when my heart was broken, my pride was bruised, my drama of growing up, too fast.. and you telling me ,,, slow down, good things come to those who wait, or the time you told me, you were just so worried for me, for you wanted to know, who was going to take care of me when I am old… I saw your hands once more today, as I squeezed a small amount of dish detergent on to the dish towel. come visit anytime, my heart’s door is always open. Once I caught a wiff of your perfume. ……..”that” was special. f.messina 11.7.22

Be Present

So there is something I am discovering as I am getting older. A new experience will happen to you, and if it is the first time you have experienced that thing, your brain and your soul will react to it, as a much younger person would, in ways that you have never felt. I am feeling this a lot these solo days. I am pushing myself in a direction I have never been in. This new experience we are going through, has made me feel so connected and alive. When on surface level you would think it would be the opposite. Take a risk, and open yourself to the new experiences and many new feelings will impress. This current experience this year, is “Sparking” my brain.. waking some sections, that honestly, I thought were closing. The brain, our bodies, and our lives “are” such a mystery. There is a greater cause. Reach for more everyone.. Keep all negative thoughts, words, and actions out of your life, for, well, there is so much out of our control right now, that wants to knock us down already. I don’t need anymore, from anywhere, or anybody. Be kind to us all these days. Be extra kind. I throw all bad, back out to the universe. I don’t blame the universe for these things either. In actuality , it is accepting your power, and judging not your strength through this test, but welcoming your educated love of what you learned from your trial on each given day. Stand straight, take a big ole handful of that negative stuff . Throw it back out to the universe. No one or thing, is allowed to deposit their burden with me. Just as I will not hand it over to you. We each have our loads to bare. This I have learned. Positive needs nurturing at times to spread and activate.. Negative comes locked and loaded. Be aware Be present in purposeful positive moments. We only get a few, and they could all be gone in an instant. Each day we are being reminded sadly of this. Be remembered with smiles of good times. where you helped , not harmed our healing. Keep pushing for peace. Keep the faith in your fellow man to make the right decisions, and hold you closest friends to the highest of standards of kindness. 

Apartment E (30)

so many years. the “E” has led me into some incredible moments, introduced me to some incredible friends, gave me confidence that dreams are real, that nothing is impossible, for everyone in action is amazing, in letting their voice out is vital, yet also learning that “that” that is not expressed, or spoken, is even more special in times that it is not shared. Maybe some moved forward without telling me. Maybe they inspired others from just being in the room, giving the attention, listening instead of talking, being behind the spotlight and not in it. . Completing the sentence ,even if it was their own words coming from deep within. The song not heard, is still a song. Never doubt your self worth. A reflection in an E is simple to some… to me it landed me in countless worlds of creativity , I can never repay. How blessed am I. I will never take it for granted. On the other side, people may smile one day of a memory. looking back. i do. Dreams are meant to be held up to ourselves until they become a part of us.. Never stop reaching for them… never stop looking for more.. never. give up.. 10.5.21

we blow through

sitting pampered in warm houses of comfort we wonder how others could take our spot. this is mine, not yours to enjoy. the light ,the food,the hot bath on cold breezy nights of a long day’s work. My money bought this thing so grand, my tires were imported from Italy. The vintage of my wine, goes in rhyme with my tie. the silk one that turned socialites heads as i tucked it away from the bourbon bon bons so rare and tender. my yacht tied up, readied for a sunday cruise brunch on high. then,Nature decides to throw out a life deal reminder….. winds toss my world into the air,in the ditch,over fences,ripped. are they yours or mine? Hearts reach out now,once so out of touch with other’s heads, the ones tilted up with noses following. Tides pulled out, then pushed into and over,children tuck under the covers, cling to their mothers, shaking the comfort out from all others.. humbling the bold, numbing us all. Helpers reach out. take hold of the broom, brush out the water, pick up the pieces, sweeping the yard splattered with limbs, leaves, and moss from up high. Never think it can’t all be gone. stuff goes away, yet human need for each other… remains. remember. we matter to each other, for the short time, we “blow” through. we really …do. tomorrow remember this too.

you are

we are such a small speck of life, for such a short time. what are you carrying today? Your potential to love, your ability to think positive, your chance to leave kindness in your wake? I am here on my blip of ground, not holding hate, not building division, never holding anger, not missing one moment to connect good. The universe is laughing at your disdain for one another. yea right. , it really matters. I am here, so small in size, yet infinite in possibilities . as YOU ARE.

911 memory

8:46 am and 9:03 . in reflection. remembering how all of America “united” in pride of the country’s response after the shock and pain. The flags waving in love of a hurting country from hate. Enough I say. Peace in my world,as I see it, starts with us. In what we can control. You and I can claim it now. Create peace in your community first, spread it around . “wave” peace around like WE all waved the red, white and blue 21 years ago. remember? many of you don’t, many of you have opinions on a day, that you have only researched, or feed to. ask your parents!.it was an aweful feeling. Took the wind out of us all. Learn why this day is so important. It could happen again, and my hope is that your America you live “today” heals any perceived divisions being amplified through the masses<, case it does. I know, personally, you “see” peace between your friends of different races, backgrounds, etc. You see it through your music, your art, your teams, your classmates, your friends. The youth will have to stand up here! Take back “one” America.. and teach peace to others. (even your elders) . You have that power. You have that given to you. Wave your peaceful life today! proudly. and teach it.. my thoughts are with all my military buddies that protected, and protect our country, and with all those that lost personal family and friends to a machine and a day of hate symbolized let love and peace today be the largest thing you see.

mama

usually i post this on my Mom’s birthday.. but today I am posting it on the 25th anniversary of her passing.. Why I am posting this to facebook,? well. because this is for sure the greatest loss in my life. I realized that I have been in mourning for 25 years.. and probably will be till the end of my life. Well. been thinking all day.. Well. “frankie!” how about this?. how about you live as happy as you can from here on out, when you think of mom..? This lady was one of the kindest, most fair, fun, caring, loving humans that anyone would want to have been in life with. I am only a chip off her. for sure. This is really not, about me. though, this is about YOU. It is about you, turning your sadness over your lost ones, into a happier life for yourself. It is going to be hard for me to change my sadness to happiness when days like this come along. but in reality. this is the largest wish I am sure she would want for me. As your loved ones would want for you. . So much sadness in the world right now, over things I cannot change. What I can change is MY attitude.. No I am not throwing rainbows, glitter, and sunshine, into the air, and choke out my sadness. I am giving my happiness a chance..to breathe and dance around in MY LIFE., when for the last 25, I have beaten it down, for respect for mom. I am inviting joy in, this year.. giving it coffee, and I might sing it a tune or two..or dance with it on the couch.. That would make mama happy about now.. yes. I think it would… dance mama dance!.. 

Memory Purgatory

yes Maya yes Maya! you tell it… wow I loved her style. I have been thinking of this lately this year, and voicing it. It is the moments where I believe I connect with another, in the heart, in our conversations that I treasure the most, and really believe I will remember for life. My heart is healing more each day, more than I ever gave it a chance to before. Life is to be lived in the moment, and if your moment is being taken over by a past moment of hurt, or rehashing moments, you can’t change.? Then are you really living your life now. Get out of memory purgatory.. your friends want you in the now. be present. .. I am working on this hard. always working to achieve it.