the hopeful seeker

who’s eyes will set your heart to flutter, could they be mine? those may ask, when harvest comes round, why leaves turn brown, when there is no sound. they just do. each morn the sun rises no one pushes him up, light just rolls and shines through dawn’s blue line, it just does. as friends die and say so long, no one told the heart to stop. time to leave, in body alone, a farewell for some, not always a goodbye. they just do. babies born to cheers and elation, there is no secret to life’s grand creation, they just are. So who’s eyes will set your heart to flutter, and could they be mine.? surely this heart, built with fragments, scars, reaching for that one. may never meet it’s other. yet not one emotion chains it down, no, not one holds it to smother. love harvested, and in the right season, yields crops of plenty, love will fill the hopeful seeker, a heart found, just laying on the ground . why? it just will.

Gone in an instant.

So there is something I am discovering as I am getting older. A new experience will happen to you, and if it is the first time you have experienced that thing, your brain and your soul will react to it, as a much younger person would, in ways that you have never felt. I am feeling this a lot these solo days. I am pushing myself in a direction I have never been in. This new experience we are going through, has made me feel so connected and alive. When on surface level you would think it would be the opposite. Take a risk, and open yourself to the new experiences and many new feelings will impress. This current experience this year, is “Sparking” my brain.. waking some sections, that honestly, I thought were closing. The brain, our bodies, and our lives “are” such a mystery. There is a greater cause. Reach for more everyone.. Keep all negative thoughts, words, and actions out of your life, for, well, there is so much out of our control right now, that wants to knock us down already. I don’t need anymore, from anywhere, or anybody. Be kind to us all these days. Be extra kind. I throw all bad, back out to the universe. I don’t blame the universe for these things either. In actuality , it is accepting your power, and judging not your strength through this test, but welcoming your educated love of what you learned from your trial on each given day. Stand straight, take a big ole handful of that negative stuff . Throw it back out to the universe. No one or thing, is allowed to deposit their burden with me. Just as I will not hand it over to you. We each have our loads to bare. This I have learned. Positive needs nurturing at times to spread and activate.. Negative comes locked and loaded. Be aware Be present in purposeful positive moments. We only get a few, and they could all be gone in an instant. Each day we are being reminded sadly of this. Be remembered with smiles of good times. where you helped , not harmed our healing. Keep pushing for peace. Keep the faith in your fellow man to make the right decisions, and hold you closest friends to the highest of standards of kindness. 

Since new feelings are brought back up with new experiences (like this pandemic) ,and we feel like a younger person when we go through things beyond our control, then as a “child” in ways, WE should not place so much blame on our actions, or our response, for this only makes it worse. Depression, self-doubt, and all that razza majazz, comes up.. Know that this is natural, and you are not alone or guilty of anything. Also , because you feel isolated, then you feel you can’t operate as normal. This will pass, and you will be more equipped to be the adult you are. Stay steady, and let the circle of learning complete.

passion

since 1993… i am here to tell you.. I am living proof. Dreams are forever… I just realized I have been expressing Apartment E.. in oh so simple ways for 27 years… in counting, and I am still so inspired and hopeful for the original mission. “all that is not given, is lost”. To just give, for you to not be afraid to give, to encourage you to live your passions. Even this simple idea to make recycled business cards.. today.. fills me with joy .I think that means, I am living my passion on purpose, on my terms of humility, and with true integrity, and that makes me proud. Some days, you build mansions, some days you nail one tiny nail. To have pride in whatever you do in life, I think is a key to being happy. If you are not happy, I hope you find it. you deserve it, and it is attainable…your “Apartment E” is waiting.. go for the gold. my friends.. The world needs what you have to give.. ! 9.24.20

Small

We are such a small speck of life, for such a short time. what are you carrying today? Your potential to love, your ability to think positive, your chance to leave kindness in your wake? I am here on my blip of ground, not holding hate, not building division, never holding anger, not missing one moment to connect good. The universe is laughing at your disdain for one another. yea right. , it really matters. I am here, so small in size, yet infinite in possibilities . as YOU ARE. 9.25.20

Stories

Stories told around home fires, memories of how, when, and where. Tales from others I still remember. Hiding under blankets, yet still listening. It’s important to tell your story, for when you tell your story you find your inner voice. When your inner voice flows out, your soul breathes your unique impression into life. If you tell your story, and listen to stories from others then we all continue moving forward into a place of peace, and timely order and truth. Passersby used to nod, and ask what’s up? Then answer each other. Now, no eye contact, no greeting, no so long, no see you soon. Seems we have been finding ways to not hear each other’s stories for a while now. So tell me a story next time I see you, I’ll be listening. Holding hope, and faith in our ability to still find warmth of that fire, and serenity of place, of home, of heart. Hope for us all, as one, lay in our stories from our hearts, not tales of how we were pulled apart, but how we came together.. 9.28.20

the challenge

To me the challenge is to make something that is relevant. that contributes something to the conversation of what art is like, what living an artful life is like, and what being an empathetic human being in these fast moments in time is like. . 9.30.19

it’s my heart

..I’m constantly working on my heart, for most times I have found myself to be down or questioning,doubting, or just anxiety ridden or at unrest.. I usually find out that it is my heart that has something not ticking right in it. How? do I know it’s my heart, and not my brain, or just the melancholy wind that blows through on chilly silent nights. I know it is my heart, because there is an echo of searching in it. This spot not filled seems to keep me moving toward a goal of :trying to be”. which I am not foreign to. in all honestly with myself, these are the times when I know that I don’t have all the answers. Not afraid to be vulnerable. just not afraid of the outcome. Those that never feel their true heart and where it is at. Will as in my case never know what solutions are possible to fill the void. Temporary distractions are just that.. fleeting. hopeful still.. all good must come from a content heart, no matter how full. Be content in what you are dealt. Waiting to be full in all ways, waste time that could be spent on healing a hurting world. This is what makes us a part of our human experience. Each doing what they can. With what they are given.

short life

“friend’s friend found out 2 months ago, that he had stage 4 cancer of the lungs. Yesterday was his memorial.” just wow. really makes me want to tell everyone that I love them NOW, want to DO all the things I want to be remembered for, want to BE kinder to myself, to others, WANT to clean up and organize my intensely crowded life, WANT to travel to places I have only dreamed of going, WANT To be everything I believe I am here for. All we have are the memories of our TIMES well spent with those that know us. Time to really move, and move FORWARD. Watch these moves! time for A-C-T-I-O-N.. Sending peace to my friend on the loss of his friend so quickly.. oh yea.Talk about a wake up call, and push for a healthier life.

no name

love when ignored will run and hide with a stiff upper lip and a heart grabbing to subside into hate. Morning comes to tell the doorman to let me in so we can together heal the mistresses leaking heart with a nice buffet of care. sometimes the butler over sleeps and the maid forgets to make the bed. but the cook knew that you stayed out too late, the lady next door who gets up early to bake, and the butcher has already feed the dog. THEY know where you are at, they know where you have been. they will be the ones that will be there when you fall. Tell you to drink the water, and hold you up till you can stall . the hurts you will see in the morning. the people who will remember your name. are the ones’ that saw your weakness the ones that gave you NO name. . these are your friends… never let them go,….. (c) frankie messina 1.17.20

place

sometimes when I look back on a time, I question if that time and place has wondered where I have been so long. Did the trees not grow any taller, or maybe the stream stood still since then.. No clay banks fell into the sides leaving larger barriers for tadpoles to grow. Seems when you go back everything seems smaller, that field of green between the two woods once was a good run, and then some more till you couldn’t run no more. Now there is only a small patch of field, and walking gets you to the big oak in the same time as the running did. Place holds space one time only, and for those that stop and reverse to finish that game of turning round . That play as child, that session of innocence lost. Find themselves orphaned from it all. Foreign to love requited, Immigrants by force to find time in new lands, new spaces of rest. f.messina 1.18.20

In my solitude

In my solitude times from my self induced busy life, I often times replay benchmark moments that really make me proud, I remember things that people have said to me along my journey that were positive or inspirational to my purpose. Always searching for that. I am closest to finding out what that is when I live truly open to life. I open myself up to the world wide as I can, I place myself many times as close as I can to a creative and their passions. I am careful to stay out of the way, but remain on the sideline as basically a support, a fan, a cheerleader. I DO get in real close, and give support. I believe that when you are in the presence of true creativity, there is a buzz that happens to all involved. Someone gave me the best compliment I may ever have recently,. I only repeat it here, not out of “vain-ness”, yet out of great pride and gratitude.. This artist was at an art show once, I am not sure if it was his first art show., but many years later, this person wrote to me, and told me “you made me feel like somebody, when I felt like nobody.” (and here come the waterworks.) .Not sure if there is any better thing you can say to someone that just runs so hard all the time, never really stopping to analyze all the ripples that the arts supply in social situations., and one that often times puts himself second. I never make resolutions much, yet I have one this year. To cheer from the sidelines, at my own race more. to complete more things, and to live more in my own skin.To make it happen. To get a round to it. I thank you all for your friendship, and support. WE all need each other. Life is meant to be shared. The most meaningful thing you can tell me as an arts pusher is that I mattered to someone or made them feel better in a situation, or that they began a healing from something that I have said or done. I am grateful, from my core.